


Hate At First Sight - The Wilds

by cloudsummer00



Category: The Wilds (TV 2020)
Genre: Enemies, Enemies to Friends, Enemies to Lovers, F/F, Fluff and Angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-11
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-17 16:13:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 13,536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29353263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cloudsummer00/pseuds/cloudsummer00
Summary: Does hate at first sight exist?Yes. That is definitely the way Toni, an anticipated basketball player at her high school, feels when she meets the new Texan girl Shelby who recently moved to town.Is Shelby really how Toni imagines her to be? What is Shelby's secret? And why is Toni so drawn to her?- A Shoni / The Wilds fanfic(This fanfic is also available on Wattpad.)
Relationships: Shelby Goodkind/Toni Shalifoe
Comments: 2
Kudos: 51





	1. Part 1

I breathed in. Tried to zone out all the noises around me - my Coach yelling instructions at me, my fans cheering me on, my teammates urging me to pass the ball.

I felt everything moving in slow motion. I looked around, saw my teammates struggling to keep off the other teams' players. Their defense was what we had feared for a long time. I dribbled the basketball and took a quick glance at the clock: 15 seconds. Time was running out.

I walked a few steps forward to try creating spaces in which my teamplayers could run in and free themselves from the man marking.

11 seconds...10 seconds...

We needed 2 more points to win this game. One succesful move and this challenging game would be won!

9 seconds...8 seconds...

I had to go all-in. There was no way I could pass the ball to my teammates, they were busy trying to outrun their man-to-man marking. I breathed in. As team captain, I had to take risks - even when I felt like they would fail.

7 seconds..

I moved forward. The first opponent I easily tricked by pretending to pass the ball to my teammate on my left side, while dribbling in the exact other direction.

The opposing team was visibly confused - they did expect me passing the ball. This moment of surprise caused a crack in their strongly strict defense tactic and allowed me to pass the ball to Alisa who was standing at the 3-meter-point at the corner of the field. She gladly took it and as the ball was flying from her hands towards the net, I already knew she would not miss.

And I was right. The buzzer of the timer went off but was drowned by the loud cheers of our fans and my teammates gathering around Alisa and me. A huge smile spread across my face and we all fell into a group hug.

We won!

—————————————————————

My head was pounding heavily. I groaned in pain. Not even the headache pill helped removing all the trails of our after-party after winning the decisive match against our biggest opponent. The fact that first periods on Friday started with Algebra did not necessarily help cure my headache.

Neither the girls of my team nor Martha, my best friend, had the same class as me which made this already exhaustive class even worse. I rushed past a few classrooms on the hallway and thanked some students along the way who were congratulating me on our historic win. I smiled. What a great feeling that was!

I looked at my phone and sighed. I was almost late. At that moment, I was nearly running and, thank God, reached class before Mr. Smith was there.

I slided into my chair in the last row and clapped a few hands of my classmates on the way.  
„Congrats!"  
„Such a great game yesterday!"  
Our high school does not have a more succesful sports team than their women basketball team, thus, the interest for our games was pretty huge, which was something I seemingly enjoyed.

I unpacked my Algebra stuff and waited for this nightmare to end so I could return home and sleep off my hangover.

Suddenly, Mr. Smith walked in, closely followed by a tall blonde with straight hair wearing a tight blue jeans and a strapless yellow Top. She seemed nervous but was trying to smile, which came off kind of fake.

„Welcome, class!", Mr. Smith greeted us and added: „I'm glad you are here. Before we start off today's class, let me introduce you to your new classmate, Shelby Goodkind. She recently moved in from Texas. Please treat her kindly", he paused and looked around. He then turned to the new girl and said: „Take a seat please so we can start the class."

She nodded and walked to the chair next to Alex who grinned uncontrollably. Men and their testosterone, I thought. They did not care about anything other than how the new girl's ass looked in those jeans.

I knew where this will take off: She'll become popular very fast because all the boys will immediately fall in love with her and all of the girls want to be friends with her. I was disgusted at this thought. Those girls never did anything significant and were not even anything special, but I guess good looks were the only thing important in this society.

I hated such kind of people. Their rise in society was fake. Their lifestyle was fake. Even parts of their bodies might be fake at this early age. Their personality trait solely consisted of getting a boyfriend and taking drugs as a form to escape their ‚oh so difficult white privileged life'. 

They would never experience the difficulties of starting from the bottom, the struggles that came along with it, the loneliness one felt. All this was so unfamiliar to such people, it made me hate them even more. Some people, like me, had been living in 3 different foster families during the last 2 years since the own parents were fucking pieces of shit while the biggest problems of girls like Shelby was finding a matching outfit to wear for school.

Life was cruel to some people - I learnt and accepted that.  
What I didn't understand was how the earth could allow life for others to be so easy.

——  
Soooo, this is my attempt of writing a The Wilds fanfic. Let's see how it'll turn out...  
Please do not hesitate to give me some sort of feedback!! I'd love to hear your opinions about it!! :)


	2. Part 2

As I expected it, class was exhaustive and did not seem to end. I regularly glanced at the new girl in anger - she continously gave me more reasons to hate her. Not only was everyone in my class already up her ass as they tried making small talk with her every now and then (except me, of course), but it also turned out that she was a total pain in the ass when it came to raising her arm and answering nearly all the questions our teacher directed towards the class.

Just looking at her gave me a feeling of rage I had never felt for another person before. My blood pumped in my veins and I clinched my fist until my finger knuckles turned white when I heard her laughing loudly at a joke Alex made. Everyone turned towards her - some of them started laughing softly as well. Oh God, why did everyone get manipulated so rapidly? Why is it so difficult for people to not be influenced by looks and superficial character traits?

I was relieved when I finally heard the school bell indicating the end of this nerve-wracking class. I grabbed all my stuff and threw my backpack over my shoulder. I tried to quickly pass the Texan's table so she would not in a million years believe that I could be tricked into befriending and making small talk with her. I just needed to get away from here and her fake personality.

As I was about to pass her table I did not realize how she was laughing at yet another joke of Alex and surprisingly lost her balance and had to take a few steps back to regain it - and thus, pumped right into me, causing the book and my notebook in my hand to fall on the ground.

„What the -", I blurted out. This had to be a joke.

My blood once again boiled in my veins. „Are you serious? Can you not watch where you're going?", I shouted angrily and gazed at the new girl's face for the first time.

I was caught off guard for a few seconds. My breath caught in my throat. I did not expect to meet a pair of emerald green eyes. She held my gaze and it felt as if she kept my gaze captive in a grip and did not want to let go anytime soon. I looked at two eyes which radiated regret and fear. My face automatically softened a bit. Why was she afraid of me...?

Then I realized who was was standing in front of me. Had I completely lost my mind? Was I about to fall under her spell just like my dumb and naive classmates?

Definitely not. I clenched my fists and felt once again a wave of anger swash over me. „Instead of laughing so much, just look where you're walking", I repeated through gritted teeth.

I darted my eyes away from hers and bent down to collect all my stuff. Now I realized that my classmates were all standing around us in a small circle to watch me starting a beef with the new girl.

I heard our teacher shushing the crowd away and asking: „Toni, is everything alright? Why are you others standing around? Hush, you have other classes as well."

I answered: „Yes everything fine." While the crowd was slowly dissolving, it seemed as Shelby had recovered from her shock and tried picking up a few things from the ground as well in order to help me. I inmediately snapped: „I don't need your help."

She ceased in her movements and just stared at me. I got up and strongly held onto my books. With one last furious glance I turned around and nearly ran out of class to get as far away from her as possible.

——————————-  
I was still tensed after the small incident with the new girl when I was sitting at lunch with Martha. She sensed that something was up.

„Toni, you're alright?", she asked worriedly. I simply nodded and continued to look after my girlfriend Regan. I hadn't been able see her for a few days as she was preparing for her upcoming exam. So, now I was even more excited to kiss her beautiful face again.

But instead of my girlfriend entering the cafeteria, a certain blonde girl entered the room. And she seemed upset. Her hair was messier than it had been during class and I could see how swollen her eyes were - did she cry? My first intuitive reaction was being concerned. She did not seem fine at all and no one even cared enough to check up on her.

I noticed several people of my earlier class today sitting around and watching Shelby enter the room as well. They certainly acknowledged her outer appearance, but did not make a single move to go ask if everything was alright. It was so strange, the people who had been all up her ass hours ago did not even care enough to ask why she'd been crying. As if my classmates only wanted to prove themselves and become friends with the girl without even caring for her on a deeper level. Maybe the most popular girls are the ones ending up the loneliest?

No, that couldn't be. I shook my head and was disgusted at myself that I started becoming empathic towards the new girl. She didn't need my pity and my concern. She was a rich white blonde girl, everyone in this school loved her, all of her behavior was surely sin-free and pure and she made her family super proud. I had already cracked the girl and her life. Nothing was special about her.

Thus, I pushed down any feelings of sympathy towards her. She doesn't need my sympathy. She certainly had a million other people who cared about her.

And I urged myself to stop thinking about her.

Just as Shelby looked through the crowd searching for her friends, her eyes momentarily fell on me. I did not even try to analyze the deep sadness reflected in her eyes since I could sense it even from far away. I immediately broke the gaze and turned back around to Martha. I ignored this warm feeling creeping up my body.

I didn't even dare to overthink my emotions and my body's reaction to her eyes on mine.

Luckily, my rollercoaster of thoughts were interrupted when I suddenly felt Regan's arms around my waist, planting lot of kisses on my face eagerly. I smiled throughout her kissing attack and was very thankful for the distraction.


	3. Part 3

After school finished, Regan and I said our goodbyes to Martha, who felt tired and went home to take a nap, and decided to spend some more time together and have a small bowling date. I was glad we could have time for ourselves although I would have loved for Martha to come along as well. But if I was being honest, things with Regan had been a bit rough lately. It was not that we had huge fights and disagreements - it was actually quite the opposite. It went too well. And even though I loved myself around Regan and loved her for making me feel safe around her, I started to become a bit emotionally distanced.

The last two years we spent together were wonderful and made me the happiest person on earth. Being with Regan, even in the beginning, always gave me a feeling of peace and I could really sense that she truly cared for me and my well-being. It was easy with her. She had no ounce of hate in her body and was pureness in person. And I knew I could really be myself around her - her arms were always open for me, she listened to me ranting all the time and I knew I could call her anytime if something happened.

But still, some things had changed.

I was somehow well aware of the fact that love was something to be fought for and that the initial excitment would eventually fade. That everything we did would become some sort of routine: hanging out at her or mine place, watching some TV, making out, having sex.

And I never minded it until a few weeks ago, when a dangerous little voice implanted itself in my brain and kept asking my heart: "What if there's more to „love"?

A burning, passionate, heartwrenching, hurting kind of love? The one challenging your beliefs, your thoughts, occupying your heart and mind, having you being addicted to the other persons' scent, body, smile, feeling the electric shocks wandering all over you skin when being touched by this one person?"

I had never really thought of the different shapes love could take. I never actually knew any kind of love. Both my parents left me and did not even care to look back. I fell directly into the foster care system and never felt like any of my foster families actually gave a shit about me. That's why I was over the moon when last year, Martha's mom offered me to live with her and Martha.

Martha and Regan had been the only two people in my life I had ever really loved. Those were the people I could rely on when everybody else had proved to me that my presence in their lives was unwanted.

So why was I becoming so ungrateful of Regan's love? Why was I not satisfied with the love she gave me? Why should I lose the one person who sticked through the lowest points in my life only to search for a kind of love that might not even exist? A kind of love I was not even sure I deserved.

Thus, being on a mission to rekindle my emotional commitment to our relationship, I was more than eager to go on a date with her, to prove to our relationship, and mainly to myself, that fighting for someone you love will pay off eventually - and that leaving people you love should be no option.

Entering the bowling hall holding her hand, we put on our bowling shoes and started the game. And I did not know why I had ever questioned our relationship: We had a lot of fun, we laughed a lot and occasionally she would kiss me passionately which I eagerly reciprocated trying to push down any prior thoughts in my head.

I wanted this. I wanted her.

Suddenly, a huge group of people making noises entered the bowling hall. All attention laid on them and I almost dropped my jaw when a certain blonde Texan girl walked in, holding onto a brown haired boy. It was certainly not Alex from our class earlier - could it be her boyfriend? A boyfriend after one day? That was impossible. Or actually not, girls like Shelby always had some pretty fucked up plans to manipulate boys into a relationship.

Any signs of sadness from before had vanished. It was as if a totally new person walked in. She talked and laughed like nothing had even happened. And once again, she looked around and found my eyes piercing right into hers. I clenched my jaw and snorted contemptuously. I couldn't believe how naive I had been to feel pity for her. Her crying was probably all an act to gain attention.

"Toni, why is your face so red?", Regan asked and I inmediately turned to face her, still furious that I let myself feel sympathy for someone whose live solely existed of tricking people and having them feel sorry for her.

Not with me.

"Nothing", I replied quickly. "Let's just go."

I could feel Regan's confused face piercing my back when I started changing into my own shoes.

"Hey, are you already going?" I did not even have to look up to see who was standing in front of us. I closed my eyes for a second to prevent any angry outburst and chose to ignore her. I desperately hoped my girlfriend would do the same.

Unfortunately, Regan could not read my mind.

"Yes, I don't know what happened to my girlfriend. She suddenly wanted to leave", she chuckled lightly and I stood up to glare at Shelby. Her hair was falling straightly over her shoulders and she was wearing a light blue top and blue jeans. Her green eyes did not leave me for a moment when I got up and stood in front of her. I was so busy debating whether to simply take Regan's hand and leave or to confront the Texan why she even thought speaking to us would be a good idea, that I barely noticed the warm feeling wandering through my body when I felt the green eyes on mine.

"You've recently moved to town, right?", Regan filled in when the silence became tensed. Shelby averted her eyes from mine and answered my girlfriend: "Yes. Today was my first day." After a second of silence, she asked us: "Do you want to join us? Playing with more people could be a lot of fun." She smiled.

"No, we don't!" I could not endure any more of this fake kindness. I took my girlfriend by her hand and dragged her away from this blonde devil. I did not even feel regret when I saw the hurt on her face from the corner of my eye.

"Toni.. What are you doing? Ouch, you're hurting me." Regan tried to free herself from my rather strong grip. "What has gotten into you?", she nearly shouted angrily when we got to the counter to return our bowling shoes.

I did not answer her question. I was so furious that I could not bring out any word. I left the bowling hall without looking back and nearly ran to the parking lot where Regan's car was parked.

After a few moments, she caught up with me and simply glared at me over the roof of the car.

"What was that, Toni? Why did you ruin our date night?" Her voice cracked at the last words and rage slowly turned into regret when I saw Regans cheeks fill with tears. "I was so excited to spend time with you again. Why did you act like that?" She waited for my answer, her face drowned in tears. As I avoided her gaze and looked down, she simply sniffed and got into the car and I followed her lead to sit in the passenger seat.

Throughout the whole ride home there was a huge tension only occasionally broken by Regan's quiet sobs. She could not understand why I did not want to be around some fake bitch and her fake friends. She could not see how much her presence annoyed me and brought out such an unexplainable rage in me. She couldn't understand and I was too tired to even explain.


	4. Part 4

A few days passed since the incident at the bowling hall and Regan refused to talk to me at all. She ignored me at school and left all my messages and calls unanswered.

During these days I had the chance to cool off and distract myself from all this Shelby drama by mainly concentrating on my basketball practices. After having thought it through, I came to the conclusion that my heavy reaction towards Shelby's offer was not unjustified since I did not want to have anything to do with her but my actions had definitely hurt Regan along the way - and this was not my intention at all.

Throughout the end of the week I basically begged Regan to forgive me whenever I could pass her at school. She never really showed any reaction to my efforts, however, she was not reluctant to listen to my apologies neither, so that was a good sign.

As soon as I believed that the drama in my life had lessened and that I finally got rid of my all-consuming anger towards the Texan girl, my newly-found state of calmness was tested.

It was Friday once again, meaning I had to put myself through yet another hour of staring at the back of the blonde girl's hair.

Wait... why would I even be looking...? I shouldn't look. I didn't care about her or her annoyingly straight blonde hair.

I entered the class and did not even dare staring around the class, fearing that a pair of green eyes would already be fixing mine. With my eyes glued on the floor, I walked towards my table and unpacked my stuff. When the teacher came in and started the class, I did not even listen properly as my thoughts wandered to Regan and rapidly turned to my fight with her, with the cause of it sitting a few tables away from me. Shelby.

I took a quick glance at her. She was once again fully concentrated on the subject. Her forehead wrinkles were tensed, indicating her thinking about a question Mr. Smith had asked before. Her fingers were wrapped around a pencil with which she played nervously. She suddenly raised her hand in order to answer the question when her shirt was lifted slightly, revealing the tanned skin of her stomach. I wondered..

Wait. What.

No, this was not happening. What had gotten into me?

My blood was boiling and I was unable to move for a few seconds. Why was I thinking about her? Why had she already infiltrated my brain? At this point I did not even know whether the hate for my naive self or her was bigger.

"Toni?", I was drawn back from my thoughts when I stared right into the face of my teacher. The confused expression on my face was evidence enough that I had not been paying attention at all.

All at once, I realized what was going around me and I noticed my classmates packing their stuff to move. Wait, move?

I believed my teacher was sick of glaring at my confused face because he scoffed and added: "I changed the seating order. You'll be sitting next to Shelby."

My jaw dropped.

I stared at him. Then at Shelby who was already looking at me with an amused face.

This had to be an joke. I was ready to discuss, hell even yell at Mr. Smith, that he couldn't do that. My life had already gone to shit because of this blonde girl, I couldn't endure any more interaction than necessary.

My chance of telling Mr. Smith my opinion about changing seating orders vanished momentarily as he turned around to walk towards his desk in front of the class.

My recent inability to prevent this girl invading my life was starting to give me headaches. I scoffed loudly on purpose so that even the blonde could her it. I was not at all eager to sit next to her, I thought that I had made myself clear before.

With my inner turmoil still continuing, I took my stuff and glided onto the empty seat next to her, not bothering to even look at her once. I did not like her and she should definitely feel that.

I felt her gaze lingering on my side profile, but I still refused to blurt out any word. She could not intimidate me, I would not break in!

"So, I've heard you're quite the good basketball player", she began nervously and chuckled faintly. Was this her attempt of making conversation with me? I snorted derogatory, still not making eye contact with her.

"What the hell is wrong with you. I did not-" Shelby's sudden outburst was interrupted by Mr. Smith who cleared his throat to continue class.

"I did nothing to you", Shelby firmly clarified while bending towards me to whisper quietly. I still did not dare to look into those eyes.

I simply nodded and attempted to calm down my heart beating as I felt her warmth radiating through her clothes and her cold breath hitting my neck. I shuddered.

Why the fuck was my body reacting that way? Maybe it was due to her voice, her words, her presence still making me enraged?

Yeah that was probably it.

I just could not understand why she still got on my nerves and why she tried to build any kind of connection. I made myself very clear the past few days how I felt about her. Maybe she was not used to people disliking her. Well, it seemed as it was time to have somebody tell her that.

I waited until Mr. Smith faced the black board to turn towards the blonde who was taking notes. I cleared my throat and blurted: "We don't have to be friends, you have to understand this. Not everyone likes you, goddamn it. Now please stop bothering me."

Her eyes connected with mine as soon as I started speaking. As I continued my small speech, her confused face turned more and more into hurt and pain.

Before I even knew it, I felt guilt - again.

No, why should I pretend to be remorseful? It was the simple truth and it was about time that someone openend their mouth! There couldn't have been anyone better suited than me to execute this task.

Her facial expressions became angry and she opened her mouth to clap back, but closed it inmediately, her emerald eyes piercing right through mine searching for any kind of explanation on why I was being so harsh on her. Without saying another word, she turned away from me and redirected her attention towards Mr. Smith.

\----------------------------------

Thankfully, Regan started becoming susceptible to my apologies and after several additional calls and text messages throughout the weekend, she finally gave in when I surprised her with a bouquet of flowers in school on Monday morning. She was nearly tearing up when I approached her and was obviously surprised to see the softer side of me, which she did not get to see very often.

We ended up having a quick make out session in the bathroom until the bells rang. She reluctantly let me go but she promised to come to my basketball game after school as we ran into opposite directions to get to our classes.

Classes proceeded pretty slow and I was rather exhausted when the bell rang once again, indicating the end of school for today. I quickly made my way over to the basketball court to change my clothes and shoot a couple of hoops before the game would start.

In no time, I was standing in line preparing for our team entrance. As captain, I was the last one to energetically run onto the court and let the adrenaline rush through my body when hearing the audience scream my name. I waved towards the crowd and smiled at them. They were shouting my name... No matter how many times I played basketball games, I couldn't wrap my head arount this fact.

My eyes searched for my girlfr- Shelby.

Shelby?

Was she kidding me? What was she doing her? A girl like her at a basketball game? Was she here to purposely manipulate and distract me after I had been so cold towards her?

She knew what she was doing. She wanted to take revenge me. Her gaze held mine for a second, showing no sign of emotion.

All the prior excitement vanished and was replaced by this cold feeling of anger, making my arms shake.She was getting on my fucking nerves. Why was she everywhere I went? Why was she so obsessed with me? The anger I felt seconds before turned into a strong adrenaline rush.

Miss Texas wanted to see a basketball game, okay then, I was determined to give her a proper basketball game.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorryyyy if the plot has gotten a bit boring with relatively little action and it's taking them so long to actually build a (healthy) friend-/relationship. I just wanted to take my time to thoroughly explore what is going through Toni's head. Hope it's alright for y'all..... <3
> 
> But yesss, we're getting closer to the more interesting chapters ;)
> 
> Thanks for reading guys!!


	5. Part 5

Our team was about to lose. We had 40 seconds left and the digital display at the wall projected '80:76' in favor of our opponents. I had to be honest: Part of me knew exactly why we were about to lose the first game of this season and why I was struggling to deliver my best performance. The reason was a certain blonde sitting on one of the benches in the audience.

I was so easily distracted by her presence, I could not believe my own stupidness. I wanted to prove her my skills, show her that her attempt of taking revenge on me would not work - the exact opposite happened.

My inability to concentrate was partly also due to the fact that I repeatedly glanced at her and was surprisingly tensed after seeing the brown boy I had seen her with at the bowling hall sitting next to her after the second half of the game. A strange feeling crept up my body. A feeling I could not classify accurately. The only thing I knew was, that it bumped me.

I persuaded myself why it irritated me: Because I knew that Shelby did it on purpose. She knew I could not stand her and her group of fake friends, thus, she brought this boy along as well. Yes, she did this all to play with me. I was getting only mad because she was trying to ruin my basketball game.

Her holding hands with him and occasionally kissing him did not bother me at all.

I sighed and kept dribbling the ball while debating which tactic to opt for. The last 40 seconds, I thought to myself. We can turn this game around, we only needed two perfectly executed play moves.

I did not intend on wasting precious seconds, therefore I started running towards Leni on the right hand side, causing a gap to arise right underneath the basket in which Leni ran into as she realized what idea I popped into my head. I passed the ball right into her and, thanks to her height, she dunked the ball right into the basket.

The audience screamed and went crazy but our cheers were kept within limits. I shoot a quick glance at the display: 30 seconds left.

"Come on girls! Defense now!", I tried overscreaming the crowd while giving all my teammates high-fives. "We got this! Come on!"

We all stood in our rightful positions and waited for our opponents to make the move. My team really knew what was at stake, our defense stood as tightly as possible, closing every possible gap as fast as possible. But that was not enough. We needed to score as well. My eyes being fixed on the ball continously, I just waited for the perfect moment to grap the ball and run towards the basket on the opposite side of the court.

20 seconds.

The opponent team was seemingly surprised. They did not expect such a strict defense, especially after experiencing how many holes our defense strategy exhibited during the last hour.

10 seconds.

Time was running out. I took a quick glance towards Leni who was positioned next to me. I silently signaled her that one of us had to take the risk of attacking the rival team, with the danger of being dribbled out. We had no other option.

However, the way Leni's posture changed, I knew she was about to undertake this task. That was the advantage of being part of a well-coordinated team with years of experience together: I was well aware of nearly every little movements and ideas of my partners - and vice versa.

It was as if the world ran in slow motion. From the corner of my eye, I caught sight of Shelby.

Now, I would demonstrate her that she and her presence had no impact on me! I would show her.

Then, I saw Leni running towards the opponent who was dribbling the ball. She clearly was not expecting an offense move and her perplexity was the downfall for her.

5 seconds.

Even before Leni could grab the ball, I was already running towards the basket at the other side of the court. Infinitesimal moments later, the ball landed directly into my hands. With regards to the little time left, I had no other option than to position myself at the Three-Point-line and just shot from there, thankful for having practiced shooting from the Three-Pointers in particular before the game.

And I was right. I made it. I had no time celebrating as defeaning tumult erupted and the audience went wild. The last thing I saw before I was nearly crushed by my teammates was Shelby's proud smile directed towards me.

\----------------------------------------------------------

At the next day, the ecstasy from yesterday's victory still lingered in the air. Random people congratulated me and said how proud they were of my performance.

Not even Regan being absent yesterday could ruin my mood. She apologised and explained her being stuck on a pile of homework. I did not want to overthink it any further, thus, just accepted her apology and kissed her.

I had not felt such euphoria for a while and couldn't stop grinning.

Having strangers giving you high fives and congratulating you was causing tons of serotonin to erupt through my body. And it was not at all about the attention I received. I was just so happy people were proud of me in some way - even if they did not know me personally. Even if basketball games were relatively insignificant compared to other life challenges. Still, people were proud of me. I liked the sound of it.

Even Shelby. Although she did not approach me in any way after the game, her face expression at the end had revealed it all.

And as suddenly as the joy emerged, as quickly it also disappeared when I realized about what I was yet again thinking about.

No. Her eyes did not reflect pride, I misread the look on her face. She way surely just pissed that I proved her wrong. That I showed her that she could not take revenge on me. Ha! I won. I was so ready to rub it into her face.

And the perfect situation arose moments later when I was about to head to my class and saw a blonde girl with straight hair enter the bathroom. I just knew it was her. Fate was on my side today!

I pushed the door open and inmediately recognized that all the toilet cabins were empty. Perfect. We could talk in private. I needed to make some things clear for her.

I saw her applying her concealer in front of the mirror. She startled when she suddenly saw me in the reflection of the mirror and turned to face me.

She smiled bewildered but then put her fake façade back on. "Congrats to your victory yesterday!", she smiled again, this time the corners of her mouth actually reaching her cheeks.

I solely scoffed and replied harshly: "Cut the bullshit." It was about time to say it all aloud. To tell what had been going through my head. To let her know how much she bothered me.  
The heat rising into my head indicated how furious I was - and also probably looked.

Her face went blank and she struggled to find any words.

"I know why you had been at the game", I hissed, my anger growing with every word I uttered. Her eyes grew bigger in shock at the aggresive tone in my voice. "You know how much I hate you and your fake lifestyle." I took a step towards her, causing her to be pushed against the sink. She hissed at the pain it caused - I tried to ignore it.

"Why did you attend the game? To confront me? To distract me?", her face went from confused to fear in a matter of time. Once again, I pushed down any small voice attempting to calm my nerves down. A voice, telling me that it was not her fault. I was the one to be held responsible.

I shut it out.

"I say it one more time", now my face was inches away from hers, her face still radiating terror. I clenched my jaw together to prevent myself from doing something I would regret and continued to glare at her, my eyes sparkling with so much hate that it caused a tear to drop from Shelby's eye.

Still, I tried to ignore it.

"Get the fuck out of my life", I whisphered through gritted teeth and grabbed her wrist harshly. She was taken by surprise and shuddered at the sudden pysical contact.

"And stop bothering me."

I watched her as she was desperately trying to free herself from my grip. I was not ready to let her go. My blood was boiling and now it was the first time I realized how much heat was spreading through my body, causing me to sweat swiftly. She still did not utter a single word.

And just then, I began to really take in Shelby's face. The panic in her face. The tears now massively streaming down her cheeks.

At once, something came over me. I did not know whether the look at Shelby's face triggered the switch or not, but something eventually did.

I let go of her and took a few steps back, my face now plastered with horror at the realization of my actions.

We simply stared at each other, both unable to process what had just happened.

When sobs escaped Shelby's mouth and broke the deadly silence, she shot one last teary look at me and, without saying a single word, ran out of the bathroom.

I stared into the mirror and did not recognize the person stearing back at me.


	6. Part 6

I spent the next few days in trance, still not having processed the physical pain I had caused Shelby and the terrified look on her face.

Whenever I passed mirrors - whether at home or in school - an instinct urged me to cease in my tracks and take a look at the girl I was becoming. I stared right back at my own brown eyes and sometimes tears started forming, but I quickly wiped them away.

I was well-known for my emotional outbursts, but I had never laid hands on someone innocent, someone who did not provoce nor insulted me. I was a force of destructiveness, hurting the ones who attempted to befriend me. 

But what exactly did she do to deserve being met with my resentment?

In school, her eyes ceased searching for mine. Her refusement to simply acknowledge me hit me harder than I expected and left behind a strange hollow feeling in my chest I knew I should not have. I was weirdly getting used at feeling her emerald green eyes piercing through mine, that I was not prepared to be left without it. And if it accidentally occur that she was pushed towards me in the turmoil of the hallway, I inmediately saw her flinch away while ensuring that a safe amount of space was mantained between us. Her eyes would then only radiate one emotion: fear.

Such thoughts occupied my head during my daily routines: school, basketball pratices and my time with Regan.

She sensed I was feeling off, but I was unable to tell her the truth. I feared she would see me with other eyes. I could not bear additional pain right now - the crushing guilt had been a constant companion of mine the last days and I did not know how to deal with it.

Act as if nothing happened and keep ignoring the blonde girl? Apologize to her? The latter option presupposed me talking to her, but based off her recent reaction of flinching away when seeing me, I decided against it since I did not want to bother her anymore.

So, I did whatever I could best, when it came to Shelby: I ignored her. This was actually rather easy since we only had one class together and barely interacted anywhere else.

The following days I still felt this mixed emotion of anger and shame resulting in me being rather passive towards Regan. I still refused to tell her what was bothering me, but she kept pushing me nonetheless. I knew that she meant well, but my already exhausted self could not endure any additional interrogation.

I felt closing up again. Regan had been the only girl to ever crack me open and she was the first one I was willing to dismantle my wall for step by step.

However, we both felt that I was starting to build it up again - it became evident on an emotional and physical level. And I really felt bad, but this incident with Shelby fully occupied my mind. And Regan was not helping at all. Instead of letting me deal with this on my own she urgently pushed me to open up about it. Thus, it had always been the following way in our relationship: Me struggling with a problem, Regan slowly convincing me to tell her and me ultimately giving in. 

But in this case, I just couldn't open up my mouth - I did not know what was hindering me. The lack of understanding I'd meet if I explained my inner struggles concerning the Texan girl? My girlfriend becoming afraid of me that I'd hurt her as well? In the past we had serious arguments regarding my emotional outburst: her continously asking me to simply "stop" getting so emotional while not understanding that it was something I could not control. No matter how much I tried, some things simply pulled the trigger - and from then onwards, there was no going back. It was as if someone else steered my movements and thoughts until I'd finally find the way back to my "usual" self.

Such arguments with her had really been emotionally draining. She could not understand me nor had the ability to put herself into my position.

I scoffed faintly, lost in my thoughts. My life had been a mess the minute I laid eyes on the blonde girl and it seemed as if I had found ways to roll down the cliff further, metaphorically speaking, of course.

Once again, Friday and, thus, my Algebra class with Shelby approached. I was obviously ignored by her. She neither glanced at me nor acknowledged my presence. She even moved her chair to the edge of the table and I attempted to disregard the slight sting in my heart.

What did I expect, though? It was not as if she would embrace me with a "Welcome, Toni"-sign after I had physically hurt her. I was glad she did not report me to the police yet.

Or did she?

The possibility of it did not occur to me until now and it hit me like a stroke. I prevented myself from overthinking this. An arrest was the last thing I needed right now.

So, Algebra class ended and I endured the rest of the school day. I kissed Regan goodbye as we parted at the school entrance, still sensing that things were not as fine between us as they once had been. I walked towards Martha's car to wait for her and crossed the school's parking lot when I suddenly heard a male voice screaming angrily.

I carefully followed the origin of the voice and suddenly stopped in my tracks when I caught sight of Shelby and the brown haired boy I saw her with at the last basketball game. Shelby was pressed against the car door while the boy was shouting at her clearly intimidating the blonde girl. Her face reflected terror and flashbacks of our last confrontation popped up in my head.

I was brought back to reality when I saw him grabbing her hand harshly. I pushed down any flashback that tried to enter my mind and solely acted on my instincts when I saw Shelby's face in agony.

I ran towards them and without thinking about it, smashed my fist with the boy's mouth causing a loud painful scream to fill the air. He stumbled while covering his lips with one hand. He regained his balance and I saw blood streaming down from his wound. Before he had the chance of reacting, I walked towards him and screamed: "Get the fuck away from here and don't touch her ever again!" He stood up to glare directly into my face and I saw the look of surprise being replaced by an overwhelming amount of anger. If I had not been so angry myself, I could have imagined myself being afraid.

Out of nowhere, I suddenly saw a fist coming towards my face and I was about to bend over to avoid his punch when I realized that the boy's fist ceased in the air. His gritted teeth resembled the inner dilemma he had: Taking revenge or refusing to cause a scene since several people were already watching this spectacle. He chose the latter. Before he turned around and left, he whispered silently so that only I could hear it: "I'm gonna get back at you. Just wait for it." His voice sent down shivers down my spine.

Once he was out of sight, I turned to Shelby for the first time since interupting their argument. Her eyes and mouth were wide open and as she was not reacting in any way, I believed she was still processing.

I refused to look at her wrist which the boy had grabbed aggressively and now was turning green and blue. I dared myself not to look at it or else I'd be chasing this motherf— down until I could land another punch in his face. My head spinned in all the possibilities I had of getting back at him. I clenched my jaw and my blood boiled with fury. This piece of shit was her boyfriend?! I swear if I'll start running now I could follow his car, pull him out of his car and then-

My thoughts stopped running when I looked into Shelby's distressed face, her examining her wrist carefully. Out of the sudden, my anger vanished and a new emotion overtook me: worry. I breathed in and out and tried regaining the control I had been nearly losing a few moments prior.

"Shelby..?", I stretched out my hand to wake her up from her trance and took a few step towards her.

I ceased inmediately when I saw her flinch away. I nodded in defeat. Did I expect any other reaction though? Not really.  
I sighed and viewed her thoroughly, the way I hadn't yet done before.

The emerald eyes flickering nervously around with the sole purpose of avoiding my eyes, her hair in a loose horsetail, her simply outfit perfectly showing off her curves. I gulped and darted my eyes away from her.

I sensed her uneasiness as we drifted into a tensed silence. Her thoughts were clearly still stirred from my interference and I felt ashamed. I surveyed my shoes. Why did I act without thinking?

Suddenly, I was struck with an unexpected burst of courage. Maybe this was the perfect moment for me to apologize to her?

"Shelby, I wanted to-"

"How dare you interfere in my business?", contempt spilled across her face as our eyes met again. "You nearly broke my wrist the other day and now you wanna play the hero?", her voice trembled in rage. Did I hear out an ounce of hurt, though?

"You hurt me and ignored me several times, not hiding your hate towards me at all and now you want to meddle in my affairs?", she pointed her finger at me while her eyebrows scrunched in fury, her voice getting louder with every word she spoke.

My face was petrified, my body paralysed. I wanted to move, to explain her, describe how much hate she had caused me without knowing why such strong feelings even arose. How I hated her to my bones but still did not cease for a second when I saw her in danger. How I did not understand my own feelings and how she was being the reason for my inner turmoil currently ruining my life. However, not a single word escaped my mouth.

I heard her snort. "Of course you're not answering."

I liked her to get into my head and see how much I was struggling myself. I wanted to open my mouth but for the first time in my life, I could not.

"Okay then listen to me." She took one step towards me, still keeping a healthy distance between us. "I am tired of your bipolar actions. First assaulting me and now playing the hero in front of my finance" Her eyes glared at me and I was still motionless. Wait, did I hear correctly? Her finance? My stomach twisted.

"I really am sick of your shit. I was trying to be nice and friendly but my first weeks here had been nothing less than hell for me and you're the only reason why! As if it's not difficult enough for me to adjust to a new school and all", her eyes started tearing up and just as the incident at the bathroom, seeing Shelby's tears felt like a punch in my chest. Especially when I knew that I was the reason for them.

A quite voice inside me shouted: Why did you care? She's trying to lure you - just as she did with the others!

And as this voice inside me kept speaking, I realized another change happening inside of me, probably being the result of the bathroom incident: The voice, my instinct telling me to hate and question Shelby's intention, had become rather quite, small, and insignificant. Had it been the dominant force inside my body the past few days and weeks, I clearly felt the voice retreating. It was not until this moment on the parking lot that I asked myself: Did I really know her or had I simply been making assumptions? This realizations hit like a lightning and I did not know how to deal with it.

As I continued being surprised of my switch of attitude towards the Texan girl, she continued: "I am really sick of it, Toni."

She was about to go on, but I simply had to step in. With all my strenght, I pulled myself out of my physically dazed state and forced my mouth to open: "Shelby, please listen to me. I will-"

She interrupted me and with a never-seen-before-harshness in her voice, she whispered: "Just stay away from me and Andrew!"

With this being said, she opened her car, completely ignoring the mixture of surprise and shock plastered on my face and drove away from the parking lot as fast as she could.

I stood there for a while watching her car vanish in the distance. My head was spinning and I was unable to comprehend the last 15 min that happened. Andrew's grip, Shelby being so harsh towards me and, particularly, my thoughts and feelings.

Where did all this heroism come from all of the sudden? Why did I not just ignore it and kept moving? And why the fuck did I feel my perception of her taking a full turn?

A whisper in my head popped up again: She did not need help from me. She was to be pitied for her fakeness.

I shook my head. This was too overwhelming for me and I was glad that my train of thoughts were interupted when Martha appeared a few minutes later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys :) I've finally updated lol And please excuse me for any types of mistakes - it's been a while since I've written fanfics (if you find any mistakes tho pls tell me!! thanks)


	7. Part 7

After our conversation in the parking lot, I would have been dumb to assume she felt any sort of gratefulness towards me - even when I literally saved her from being hurt further. But of course, she did not make any attempts of thanking me. Not that I expected it though, she made her opinion of me more than clear.

I started school the next few days rather drained due to my inability to sleep calmly. While laying awake at night, my head had been running wild causing me to give up on sleep completely. Why did I confront Andrew? Why did she not let me help her? How could I make her forgive me? Did I even want her to forgive me?

The questions in my head whirled around like a storm overrolling my brain. They did not stop, I could not control them. They were flying around without a single care, leaving me confused and angry.

After the confrontation with Andrew, I slowly came to the realization that the small whisper inside my head might not have lied to me: There was something more about Shelby. Maybe she was not the perfect girl everyone always assumed her to be - her financee's aggressive behavior towards her in the parking lot had proved it.  
But then, why was she still with him and even engaged to him? This piece of shit hurt her. Why did she defend him at the end?

I could not find any answer to all my questions and I was growing frustrated with myself since I wanted to ban all Shelby-related thoughts from my head. However, the irony was: The more I forced myself to stop thinking about her, the more she popped up in my head. Me being occupied with all this drama also started to negatively influence my focus on basketball practices and my school work.

Thus, I decided to talk it out with her to end all this nonsense and return to a life without a certain blonde disrupting my peace. I was exhausted.

Regan sensed my tiredness when I met her in the hall on a Tuesday morning. I simply replied with "I could not sleep" to ease her concerns and took her hand into mine. After seeing her wear a tight black jeans and the grey sweatshirt I had lent her, I smiled faintly and whispered abruptly: "You look beautiful today, babe."

She chuckled and playfully hit me on my arm: "Toni Shalifoe, since when are you such a gentleman?"

"Always have been, Miss", I answered and smiled. A feeling of calmness washed over me the moment her lips curled into a smile. She was my girlfriend, she was mine. What did I do to deserve her? She was literally the rock in between my tumultuous life - she always had been. What did I do to be worthy of her love?

While these thoughts ran through my head I simply glared at her, had a closer look at her facial features. The light shining right into her brown eyes, allowing me to glance into caramel orbs. Some hair strands falling on her face and her significant red lipstick accentuating her full lips.

"I'm really a lucky girl and you know I'm glad to have you, don't you?", I caressed her cheek tenderly and leaned forward, our faces only inches away. I saw Regan smiling mischievously: "Are you seducing me? What happened to Toni and what did you do to her?"

I chuckled lightly. "Just shut up and give me a kiss." I did not wait for her reply and wetted my lips to connect them with hers when-

"Dykes!"

I heard a voice screaming, followed by several people's loud laughters. I inmediately pulled away and felt my head turning red when I eyed Andrew strolling towards me, closely followed by his friends and - my pulse quickened - Shelby hanging at his side, both their arms intertwined and both with a malicious smile on their faces. Her laugh caused a cold shiver to run down my spine.

I inmediately moved in front of Regan to shield her from them, sensing that Andrew was looking for payback after the parking lot scene and my worst fear was Regan being caught up in our quarrel. The blood was racing through my veins so rapidly, I could hear nothing else than the pumping of my own pulse.  
My eyes first focused on Andrew, but ultimately laid on Shelby.

My heart shrinked at the sight of her being so intimately close with Andrew, laughing at his homophobic slur, even opening up her mouth to repeat this word again.

All this time, most intensively the last few days, I had been struggling with myself whether I had misjudged her and her life. This small whisper inside my head wanting to convince me that she was different and that there was something more about her, had grown louder and louder this past few days.

But all these thoughts felt like part of a dream, like something I had thought of in my past life. The whisper was gone now and Shelby's presence now felt like being kicked in the guts, leaving me breathless.

I had felt like a piece of shit after the bathroom incident, I lost sleep over it, I had been about to apologize to her - only to realize now that she was not worth it. She did deserve being met with my resentment. She was a homophobic piece of shit and I had been stupid enough to allow her to destroy my peaceful life.  
I could not believe that I had saved her from Andrew.

My mind was racing but the only thought my brain repeatedly emphasised on was the following: erase both their ugly smiles from their faces so you'll never have to face them again.

In no time, Andrew and Shelby were standing in front of us. My pulse was throbbing in my tembles and my skin started burning due to the heat washing over my body, paralyzing my senses. Her laughter over Andrew's use of this homophobic slur ringed in my ear.

I knew it. I fucking knew it.

She proved it. She was the perfect example of why people could not be trusted.

And I believed her. I fucking believed her. She almost had me. She really did. I almost felt pity for her.

And I did not know what ultimately pulled the trigger - my own disgust of myself in ever believing she could have been different than I had imagined her to be or the look on Andrew's face when he was about to approach Regan - but next thing I knew was me not only smashing my fist into his face once, not twice, but seven times. I hit, hit, hit and I didn't stop.

She fucked with me. She played me.

She was just like these other people. They were all the same.

Another hit. Then the next. Hot tears leaked out of the corners of my eyes when another punch landed in his face.

I almost felt pity towards her.

Another one.

Who was she to destroy my peace?

And another one.

...until I was dragged back.

Hands were holding my arms and chest to prevent me going off on Andrew again. Time moved in slow motion when I looked around. I did not fully grasp Regans teary face nor all the other unnecessary voices and mobile phones that surrounded me - it was as if I saw right through them.

The adrenaline was pumping through my system and the sight of Andrew's unconcious body laying motionless on the floor almost made me laugh if I had not glanced at a pair of emerald green eyes, making me cease right in my spot. Everything else became quite and it was as if I had been struck by lightning. I snapped right back into reality.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooorry I took so long to update but exams are coming up and I really need to study :/
> 
> Anywaysssss, I've waited so long to finally reach this point in my fanfic. Thus, I'll only say: Let all the fun begin ;) Tell me what you think about this chapter!
> 
> And I promise the next chapters will definitely be longer from now on!!!!


	8. Part 8

Next thing I recalled was me sitting in front of the principal's office, impatiently waiting for my interrogation.

I chewed on my nails. I did not know what was going to happen to me. All I knew was that I was in huge trouble.

My hands were still trembling and the anger diminished only gradually. My head was throbbing due to all the sudden amount of impressions that had crashed down on me and I rested my neck against the wall behind me.

The last few moments felt surreal, I closed my eyes to try clearing my thoughts.  
What had happened?

Andrew's face covered in blood, hands holding me back, Shelby's face, Mr. Smith appearing out of nowhere, Shelby's screams, someone calling the ambulance and lastly, Shelby and me ending up at the principal's office - both of us emotionally and physically exhausted and both of us rigorously ignoring each other. Not exchanging a single glance nor acknowledging the presence of the other one.

After we had sat down, two empty chairs between us, we fell into a very tensed silence. A silence where one could determine the drop of a needle on the floor. The air between us was so thick with exhaustion, fear, stress and shock that I sensed that the slightest reaction or movement from any of us could erupt in an outburst of emotion such as volcanos pour out magma.

No, I was unable to comprehend the incident earlier. My body was seemingly tired and I knew if I would start dealing with what had happened past few minutes, I'd go down a spiral from which I could not free myself from.

Thus, I shove away all thoughts and images although the ones of Andrew's bloody face continued to linger in the back of my mind, seemingly not disappearing any time soon.

When the door of the principal's office suddenly opened and Mrs. Ashton's dominant figure appeared, both me and the blonde girl flinched, each one of us pulled out of our thoughts. Mrs. Ashton gestured for Shelby to enter her office. As she made her way inside, the principal took a quick glance at me and said: „Give me a few minute and then it'll be your turn, Ms. Shalifoe" before closing the door behind her.

I sighed. The next few minutes would be the longest ones I'd ever experience in my life. Longer than me waiting for my foster care advocate to name the first family who agreed to take care of me, longer than starring at Martha's mom to finally hear that she would gladly adopt me, even longer than anticipating Regan's answer on whether she wanted to be my girlfriend or not.

I knew this was different. This upcoming conversation with Mrs. Ashton could determine and influence my future life. For the first time, I had been sure that my life had been going better than ever. I had found my own family, succeeded in the sport I loved most on earth and ultimately, had a very loving girlfriend.

For my conditions, my life during the last few years had been the most perfect it had ever been.

And it had seemed as if my future could possibly be in my favor as well: Coach had made me aware that certain talent scouts had expressed their interest in me which, in other words meant, me possibly receiving a full scholar ship.

This seemed like such a different time now. With one single conversation this all could be ruined. If, for example, Mrs. Ashton decided to note my misbehavior in my records or even suspend me from school. Worst case would be Andrew actually reporting me.

Either way, my life and my possible opportunities would be ruined.

The funny thing was, though: I had been certain myself that I would ruin it all eventually. Happiness did not last long for me.

——————————————————

Mrs. Ashton's unreadable eyes were staring at me intensely and with a mixture of fear and worry, I upheld her gaze. My leg nervously bounced up and down while my mind failed to keep away all these negative thoughts running around my head.

The schools' principal broke the gaze to flick through a file spreaded out in front of her on her desk. For a rather long time, she ceased saying anything but rather focused on these sheets, occasionally sighing or raising her eyebrows.

After what seemed like an eternity, she closed the file and eyed me again. I still could not read her facial expression.

She sighed desperately again: „What should I do with you, Mrs. Shalifoe? I'm at loss for words." As to undermine her disappointment, she shook her head a few times.

„You injured one of my students so badly, he had to be taken to the hospital. Violence is not something our school stands for, I assumed you already knew about that."

„But let me explain -"

I was interrupted as she cut my words harshly: „There's nothing Andrew could have done to deserved being beat up so violently. Don't even try to justify your actions."

I avoided her gaze and nodded slightly.

„Besides, I'm well aware of what had happened. Ms. Goodkind already informed me elaborately on the use of slur both of them threw at you."

My face suddenly shot up. Shelby talked to her.. and told her the whole truth? She did not even lie or tried saving her own ass? I did not know why I expected her to fully blame me to save herself. I was taken by suprise. 

„And believe me, both of them will get their appropriate punishment. Nonetheless, violence is never a solution."

The confusion about Shelby disclosing everything was replaced by anger as I heard Mrs. Ashton's words and fully took their meanings in.

If I had not been intimidated by her, I would have laughed out loud. Did she really think I chose to go off on Andrew like that? I clenched my jaw to prevent myself of answering. It always seemed so funny to me how people believed I hit people for fun. They'd never understand that my outbursts were never intentional and not something I could control. It was like a powder keg - one drop and everything would burst out.

After a long pause, she continued: „Especially exhibited by such a basketball role model such as you are."

I gulped. All of the little crumbles of anger I had left in my bones vanished completely and were replaced by another emotion: shame.

„You are one of the best basketball player our school ever had. Your behavior is unacceptable and irresponsable. I'm really at loss for words."

I did not dare looking up and simply waited for her next words.

„Well, we have two options here", she pressed her palms together and eyed me thoroughly. „Either I'll suspend you from school for the rest of the week, order you to 2 months of social work at our local church but will leave your record untouched or", she paused, "you'll save yourself from all these punishments but with the small drawback that I'll have to add a note on the description of the incident today to your record."

I nearly fell off my chair due to the overwhelming gratefulness I felt towards her. I relievedly blew out the air I had not realized I held in. There was a chance for me to continue believing in a basketball scholarship! Maybe my future will not be ruined after all. There was obviously only one reasonable option for me to choose - I would literally do everything to prevent anything negative to be added to my record.

Thus, without thinking for a second longer, I responded eagerly: „I'll take option one."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually intented to upload a longer chapter but with exams coming up I don't have time to write more for now :/ sryy guys but the next chapters will get more interesting, pinky promise :) <3


	9. Part 9

After leaving Mrs. Ashton's office, I panicked when I caught a glimpse of the time and hurriedly ran to the gym to be on time to my basketball practice. As my expulsion would actually come into effect the next day, I was granted to practice the last time before having to pause for the next few days.

The girls were already warming up when I entered the gym. I tried to ignore some whispers here and there and straight headed towards the changing rooms when I heard my name being called out.

I ceased in my steps and turned around. Coach was walking towards me, his face not necessarily displacing amusement.

„We need to talk", was all he said.

As Coach eyed me thoroughly, I sighed and prepared myself for the next emotionally exhausting conversation. Disappointment was plastered on his face and I already felt my cheeks turning red as I once again felt shame creeping up my body.

„I've heard it from the others", was the only thing he said.

He waited for a second, expecting some sort of answer, but I was tired of explaining. I was physically and mentally tired. Just tired.  
Sometimes the smartest thing to do was to just keep my mouth shut.

I just needed basketball practice to get things off my mind.

„How could you even do this, Toni? Despite hurting the boy to such extent that he had to be taken to the hospital, you risked losing your potential scholarships. What has gotten into you?"

Another moment of silence while I tried avoiding his gaze and mindlessly let my gaze wander through the gym.

The next thing he added felt like a punch to my stomach leaving me breathless. It was as if someone had punched me the way I punched Andrew.

„I am hugely disappointed and expected more from you."

And suddenly, as if pulling an invisible trigger, all the initial emotions I had withhold, the shame, fear and the rage towards myself flooded over my body as a tsunami wave would flood upon landmasses.  
With such ease, with only a couple of words, my barrier broke apart.  
Until now, I avoided letting myself think about the actual damage and hurt I caused another person. I could not grasp the extent of my behavior - but Coach's word pierced right through the wall I had quickly built up around the memories concerning Andrew's and mine confrontation.

Thus, I was overrolled with pictures and moments.  
Andrew and Shelby hand in hand. A significant word being shouted. My fists on his face. The horror displayed on Shelby's face.

I quickly closed my eyes to steady my breathing and try gaining control of my brain and the memories that were popping up.

Control.  
The thing I had lost hours ago. The thing I often lose.

I felt the exhaustion in my body, the tears were forming up and were ready to leave my eyes any time soon but I would not cause a scene here. I did not want to play the victim.

„Coach I-", I started in an attempt to answer him but I immediately knew words would and could not justify my actions.

Coach had always been one of the constant confidant in my life. Always supporting and pushing me to do better although his method might be questioned. However, I was well aware that he only wanted the best for me when he for example made me run additional 10km sometimes to improve my stamina.  
But all this could not lessen his wholehearted attempts of bringing out the best of me because he always saw potential in me as he repeatedly stated.

Therefore, knowing how strong our tie was, those words coming from his mouth caused a sharp knife to twist around in my heart.

He was one of the few people I constantly intended to make proud.

„I do not want to hear anything from you. Do you know what happens when Mrs. Ashton adds this incident to your records? Then you can say farewell to your scholarship!"

„Well, I talked with her" and I told him all about the small „agreement" she and I agreed on.

He still wasn't satisfied, though, as he kept shaking his head.

„Toni, what is going on with you? The Toni I know would never ever beaten someone so badly they'd end up in a hospital. What is going on? Talk to me", the more he spoke, the more his face softened up until the initial anger was replaced by pure sadness and worry.

I gulped. How could I make him understand that I did not know it myself? He knew I lost control several times, but beating up someone for him to end up in the hospital? This was not me.

As he eyed me I knew he waited for a response but what was I supposed to answer? That my newly-found passion, the ignitation of a fire I had never experienced and the frequent loss of control over my emotions also scarred myself? That I was overwhelmed myself?  
How could I make him understand?

Thus, I simply replied: „It's really nothing. I do not know how it happened." I hoped this vacuous explanation was enough for him.

Well, it was not.

„I do not believe you. But I also know you are a 18-year-old going through stuff, so, the only thing I can offer you is my ability to listen." he smiled faintly and reassuringly put a hand on my shoulder.

I smiled back unsurely. Coach was definitely not the type to show any sort of affection (only when it came to basketball matches), so this conversation, and especially his latter words, were surprising - but simultaneously warmed my heart.

When he did not add anything else, I simply responded with a small „Thank you" and made my way to the changing rooms.

——————————  
As expected, I did not have my best day at practice. My teammates tried cheering me up but I did not function at all.

At the end, we all group-hugged as I would also miss practice the next few days during my expulsion. But thank God, I'd be back for our game the next week.  
Hopefully, I'll have my shit together until then to deliver my best performance.

Especially after Coach told me that some talent Scouts might show up. He advised me to train during my free time as much as possible.  
I gladly promised him and made my way over to the parking lot for my best friend to pick me up.

My stomach twisted for a second as I was scared that Marty might be so disgusted and angry at me that she would have not waited for me as she always did on Tuesday's.

But I was proven wrong when I saw her car and walked towards it. I actually felt bad thinking about Marty leaving me. The only thing in the world I was sure of was that Marty never left me. She never did.  
Before opening the car door I took a deep breath and mentally prepared myself for yet another conversation I drained to have.

——————-

We had been driving for a while but neither Martha nor I attempted to start the conversation. I avoided looking at her - I knew she was silently crying. I could not bear looking at her and remind myself that I was the reason for her tears.

After several sobs escaped her mouth and broke the tensed silence, I felt hot tears streaming down my cheeks as well. I still refused to gaze at her or talk to her - the disappointment on her face would tear up the last walls I upheld to prevent breaking down completely. Such walls that allowed me to keep walking and shielded me from the destructive force of guilt which, I slowly felt, was eating up my defense.

I knew Martha's face and her words would cause the already crumbling wall to break down completely and I did not know if i could hold back then.

Therefore, neither of us said a word, both of us deep in our thoughts.

As we reached home, I knew I avoided the damage for now but somehow I knew that it would catch up with me.

——————————  
Martha's Mom was not yet back from work, so we both made our separate ways to our rooms.  
Initially, I had slept in Marthy's room but after Ms. Blackburn had separated from her husband, she allowed me to have my own space.  
The moment I entered Mr. Blackburn's old room which I had sparsely decorated with the necessities, I immediately fell on my warm bed sheets. My eyes felt so heavy that after a few seconds I already passed out, sleeping off the exhaustion of the day.  
——————-  
I slept through until 6 am the next morning. As I kind of wanted to avoid Martha's silence on me, I went for a run and returned when I was sure that Marthy would be gone to school.

Right, my first school day as an expelled student.

However, I totally forgot that Ms. Blackburn would go to work later, thus, I nearly bumped into her when I opened the door and saw her firmly standing at the entrance, waiting for me to enter.

And once again, another person scolded me, condemn my behavior and then asked if everything was alright because „this is not something you would do".  
I did not respond, occasionally nodded, but mainly kept quiet. What should I answer? She was right.

After explaining her the punishment I received from Mrs. Ashton and promising her this would never ever happening again, she nodded and left for work.

I sighed. What should I do now?  
I fell onto the couch and zipped through TV out of boredom, wishing Regan would be here to cuddle...

Wait. Regan.

And I rose up quickly and ran to grab my phone. I totally forgot about her and hadn't heard from her since the incident.  
I unlocked my phone, went to our chat and typed:

Hey, babe. Everything alright? Miss u.

And then I waited.  
————————-  
The next few days felt very monotone. I woke up, went for a walk, returned to an empty house as both Martha and Ms. Blackburn had already left, aimlessly zipped through TV channels and shot some hoops at a park nearby.

Things between us three were still tensed. Martha refused to speak to me and I still felt a disappointed undertone in Ms. Blackburn's voice whenever she talked to me. The worst situations were during lunch and dinner when we all sat together at one table.

Martha ignoring me had never happened before and I did not know to handle it. The only thing I wanted to do was to hug her tightly and tell her how much I missed her. Everything about her. Spending time with her. Talking with her. But I sensed she needed space. When she was ready, I was certain that she'd come around. I did not want to bother her any more than necessary, I could only imagine how confused and disappointed she had to be.

During those days of expulsion, I felt lonelier. I did not know whether it was due to Martha's refusal to speak to me or the fact I only got to face two other people and felt completely cut off from the social world.

I did not have any other friends beside Martha and the only real connection between me and my basketball teammates only existed on the court.

So, a constant companion during these days was a intertia and exhaustion I could not throw off no matter how often I went running.

Still, my mood increased when I was about to go to the bathroom on Friday night and caught sight of a note on my doorstep. I bent down and grabbed it. I was confused for a few seconds but then realized that exercises and tasks from different school subjects were written down.

A smile crept up my face and filled my body with warmth. This was Martha, still being angry with me but nevertheless caring for me. Gosh, how did I deserve her.

Maybe there was hope that everything would be alright soon.....

However, as fast as my mood had increased, it was smashed when I woke up on Saturday morning and saw that Regan had texted me. My heart jumped in anticipation. Finally!

I opened her message:

We need to talk.

My heart dropped to my stomach. This did not sound good...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guuuyyyysss I know this chapter was extremeeeely long but I wanted to end it with Regan's text.  
> I'm so excited for the next chapter ;) ;)


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